The Missed Fall

It is starting to feel normal to live with this ache in my heart and that terrifies me! For the first several months after Dad died the pain was so acute that it was difficult to function or think about anything other than how much I missed him. Grief, in that form, is exhausting and all consuming! My mind, body, and soul were frantically trying to make sense of his unexpected death and I felt like I was in survivor mode—get up, go to work, eat, take care of family, try to sleep, repeat.

I remember driving home from work one day in November and noticing, for the first time, that fall was almost over. How had I missed my favorite season? Had that much time really passed? I started crying and had to pull over because I realized Dad had missed an entire season and that I had missed it too. Nothing magically changed that day but I understood that life was going to continue and that, eventually, I would need to dive right back into my life to honor Dad fully!

The holidays were exceptionally hard for me and I struggled to find any reason, other than tradition, to celebrate. I would find myself going back into survivor mode to find the strength and energy to get through an event or gathering, it was a safe place. One of the hardest things for me was my inability to sleep and the crazy dreams that came whenever I actually slept; my dreams were dark and twisted for months! I was exhausted, scared, and emotionally spent when the holidays were over.

Time has continued to pass and every day it seems that I move farther away from the acute pain and isolation that consumed me. I have come to realize that there is comfort and safety in that form of grief—you protect yourself from visualizing a life without your loved one. You are isolated from the world and your pain becomes proof that he lived and was loved. Pain becomes part of your identity and the fabric of your life; you learn to live with sadness. I now understand why some people have such a hard time embracing life after the death of a loved one and appear content to live half a life. The true test comes in finding the strength to not only grieve but to give yourself permission to feel happiness again. For me, I can’t imagine missing another fall.

I’ve discovered that the real risk and pain comes from moving forward and finding your footing again. There are days that seem almost normal and then I become terrified that I am accepting a world without Dad. The question, “how can I move forward without Dad?” has been a constant thought in my head. It seems so much easier to remain stagnant in my grief than to put in the work to rebuild my security and life—every assumption and plan I had for my future has changed in the last 8 months. I have felt and witnessed the absolute agony his loss has created in our friends and family. I have learned first-hand how cruel and unstable the world can become. Moving forward without him takes courage, strength, and a huge leap of faith.

Working through the emotions of his loss is a process that will take me years. It is something that no one is prepared to do and there is no magic cure to avoid the messy emotions. The question in my head needs to change from “how can I move forward without him?” to, “would Dad be happy with how I am living my life and who I have become?”

People have told me that life will eventually fill-up the hole in my heart; especially when I get married and have children. They say there will come a day where I can remember my Dad and not feel pain but, instead, love and nostalgia for a great man. I want that! I want love to fill up this ache in my heart and to live my life in the way Dad taught me—with integrity, compassion, laughter, and love. The best way for me to honor Dad is through a life well lived! It is time to trust the world again and look forward to the beauty of spring! There will always be bad moments, days, weeks, and but I have to find the courage to face life head on even if I risk this pain again because I will never (as my Dad and T.Roosevelt would say) "live with those tired and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."