Dear Dad,

Dear Dad,

I miss you! I miss you so much that there are times I can't even breathe, times were I stop moving and I feel like the world is caving in. There are moments were I pick up the phone to tell you something random and your phone rings once, twice, and then I remember--you won't answer. That is when I feel broken.

I am so angry that you are gone! I am so angry that you won't answer my phone calls. I am so angry that I have to live the rest of my life with out you. I am so angry that I can't tell you about my meeting yesterday and have you tell me you are proud. I am so angry we wont celebrate with a blizzard the next time I succeed. I am so angry when I see a picture of you and I know you aren't here. I am so angry that I had to watch your wedding ring fall to floor. I am so angry you died too young.

I am so confused about life! There is so much I don't know, so many things I need to talk to you about. What do I do about my taxes? How do I ask for a raise? What do I do when I feel like isolated and alone? Who is going to make fun of me about altitude? How could you leave? How could you do this to Mom? To Brian? To Jenn? To Me? How could you be taken away so soon? How am I suppose to celebrate life when you're missing?

I am scared! I am scared about how we will live without you. I am scared because life has changed so quickly and I don't like change. I am scared I will forget you. I am scared to grieve you because it is so overwhelming. I am scared when Mom doesn't answer her phone. I am scared about who we will become without you and what will change. I am scared that I am changing so much that my friends don't know me anymore; I am scared that I am too much work and they will leave. I am scared that I'll screw up and I won't have you to offer me advice, refuge, and a willing ear. I am scared, for the first time in my life, to face the future.

So much has changed in the past year and I haven't been able to adjust to any of it. I miss my friends. I miss laughing at life and finding true enjoyment. I miss calling you in the middle of my day just because. I miss evenings spent in our living room just talking as a family. I miss you feeling whole!

You're the one who gave me refuge who made me feel safe-- How am I suppose to feel safe now? What happens next? Why did this happen? Why aren't you here to fix this?

I guess I will just have to be broken for a while and, eventually, you'll help me find balance. Until then just know that I miss you and I love you. And, more than anything, I wish you were here.

Love Always,

Your Annie Bannie